Date:	2008-03-06 23:26
Subject:	Blade of the Poisoner, by Douglas Hill– Chapter One: Death in the Wellwood
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	Screams of unimaginable terror

Oh no! Not my beloved peasant village!

Note: I've been... uh... summarising this story over at my LJ for ages now– thought I'd better back it up.

In honour of kippurbird’s Eragon and Eldest sporkings, and for the benefit of anyone who may chance to read this, I have decided to write-up my favourite GOOD third-rate fantasy novel, Blade of the Poisoner, by Douglas Hill. I’ve done a piece on one of the characters at canon_sues, but I’ve decided the whole book deserves its own treatment. There will, of course, be spoilers, but I hardly think that matters. The story has been out of print for years and it’s very hard to get hold of a copy. That’s a pity, because this is one hell of a fun book.

When I say it’s good, I mean... it’s not exactly good... but then, again, it is. It’s extremely derivative, but in a cute way. There’s no time wasted on the pretentious look-at-me-I’m-Tolkien “worldbuilding” that drags down many another clichéd sword-and-sorcery yarn. No con-langs, no maps, no godawful “poetry”, hardly any backstory, no agonizingly detailed explanation of stupid who-the-hell-cares? magic systems. I mean, the place doesn’t even have a name!

If it did, it would have to be Generica. That’s the other wonderful thing about this about this book: once you’ve read it and its sequel, Master of Fiends, you have essentially read 90% of all fantasy. I tell you, it’s a great time-saving device.

–On with the show.

Meet Jarral, our Hero. Will it surprise you to learn that he is a simple peasant boy from a remote village? Or that he’s an orphan, brought up by relatives? No, I didn’t think that would surprise you. I don’t mind Jarral at all. He may be fairly useless until near the end of the book, but at least he’s a nice kid. You can tell he’s speshul, though. He’s one of the very few characters to get a proper name.

Jarral goes for a walk in the Wellwood, so-called because it’s a wood, with a well in it. Get used to the naming conventions of Generica.

Anyone want to bet me that in Jarral’s absence his home won’t get destroyed by the forces of the Evil Overlord?

Anyone? Anyone at all? C’mon, winner gets a free tin of SOMEHOW!™

...Damn, you guys are a bunch of cynics.

Anyhow, Jarral heads home. He hears screams coming from the village: the ragged screams of people gripped by unimaginable agony and terror.

He meets a wandering mercenary of his acquaintance, a giantess named Archer, because she’s an archer. (See what I mean?) Archer the archer tells him that... wait for it... the village has been burned and everyone in it massacred by the servants of *gasp* Prince Mephtik!

SINISTER CHORDS!

And... uh... who IS Prince Mephtik, you ask?

Let Archer the archer explain:

“Mephtik, called the Poisoner," Archer said. "The ruler of all these lands, this entire eastern domain.”

So... what’s this country called? What, you think it’s called something, other than “The Eastern Domain”? Have you learned nothing?

Mephtik’s henchmen– soldiers and one or more half-glimpsed scary critters– show up and chase Jarral and Archer the archer through the forest.

Well, that was Chapter One. Most writers would have taken about fifty pages to get this far. This one accomplishes it in six and a quarter. I love this book.


All quotes are taken from “Blade of the Poisoner”, copyright Douglas Hill 1987.

I've had two fire incidents in my house this month. The first happened when my father threw a lighted cigarette into a wastepaper basket. I suppose he wanted to see what would happen. What happened was that the paper caught fire. Then the carpet caught fire. Then the floor caught fire. Now we have a charred, blackened floor in the main room.

The second was last night. I put some clothes through the dryer just before I went to bed (after midnight- I'm a night owl). All of a sudden there was this awful grinding noise and a bang and smoke everywhere. I ran into the laundry. The dryer was burning. The door had already melted off and the clothes inside were crackling away merrily. I pulled out the plug; the electrical fire went down but I was still faced with a dryer-full of burning clothes. I didn't dare leave them for a moment, because the laundry is all dry, bare boards that would only need a spark to catch fire (my house is perhaps better described as a "shack"). So I hauled out the clothes and threw them in the laundry trough. All the time I was nearly choking on the smoke, and, just to make things even more fun, my cat, Tiger, kept pestering me for a cuddle.

Nothing worries that cat. He seemed to think it was all a game.

Date:	2007-09-01 20:53
Subject:	ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

Evil's Relations #3.

Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny) No, I don’t know what the brackets are for.
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. Fade. The Queen of Mordor. = INSTANT SUENESS!
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: In this case looking like a beautiful woman definitely counts.
Special Possessions (if any): A jewelled sword. A wavy bladed dagger. Black leather clothes.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Immune to conventional weapons.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. Will probably turn out to have the usual deep connection to the Ring. Has legends about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
( Attn: fantasy writers! Never forget to kick-off your novel with an incredibly confusing prologue. )

#2 in my series of Evil’s Relations.

(Cross-posted to Deleterius.)

Story Or Series Title: Betrayal in War and Love
Fandom: Lord of Anime.
Culprit Author's Name: Ebony Falcon
Full Name (plus titles if any): Hikarishi. Hikari. Ari. Shi.
Full Species(es): Another bloody Elf/Maia.
Hair Color (include adjectives): ”silvery pale blond”. It reaches to mid-thigh.
Eye Color (include adjectives): ”enchanting midnight blue flecked with silver”.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: N/a.
Special Possessions (if any): Legolas.
Annoying Origin: Mordor.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Sauron’s daughter #3,000. Tenth Walker. Legolas loves her.
Annoying Special Abilities: Seduction.
Other Annoying Traits: Makes Legolas love her.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
( The Dark Lord must be running out of names for his Sue-daughters... )

Date:	2007-08-24 18:39
Subject:	SYNALIRA VYRATHIL, WHO IS NOT, REPEAT NOT, A MARY SUE!
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

Cross-posted to Deleterius.

Story Or Series Title: The Last Maiar From Valinor Curiously, there is only one of her.
Fandom: The Lord of the Rings, brother of Mary Sue.
Culprit Author's Name: one-who-survived-the-darkness There was a power failure in her street...
Full Name (plus titles if any): Synalira Vyrathil.
Full Species(es): Maia. It’s Elvish for “Mary Sue”.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Black.
Eye Color (include adjectives): ”silver”.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: N/a.
Special Possessions (if any): N/a.
Annoying Origin: Valinor. Manwë sent her to Middle-earth to aid its hapless denizens. Thanks a lot, Manwë!
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Sixth member of the Istari. And you won’t believe whose sister she is... *facepalm*
Annoying Special Abilities: N/a so far, since there isn’t much of the story yet, but probably VERY sparkly.
Other Annoying Traits: Is in love with an Elf. Cries a lot.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
( People, people! Please stop telling Suethors to read “The Silmarillion”. THIS is what happens. )

Date:	2007-08-24 18:32
Subject:	ANNOUNCEMENT
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake

I'm going to be posting all my LJ sporks for Deleterius here as well, just in case some other fanbrat does a Meyshi.

Date:	2007-08-13 21:01
Subject:	COPS N' ROBBERS, MEYSHI STYLE II
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

Part One
Story Or Series Title: Blood And Milk
Fandom: The Boy Who Got Turned Into A Pod Person By Meyshi.
Culprit Author's Name: Meyshi Let’s hear it for our FAVOURITE Suethor!
Full Name (plus titles if any): Head Detective Teegan Gylden.
Full Species(es): Stuus Ubiquitus (he’s in ALL Meyshi’s stories).
Hair Color (include adjectives): “Hip-length dreads”.
Eye Color (include adjectives): ”shimmering golden”; “auriferous” (which does not mean what the Suethor thinks it does).
Unusual Markings/Colorations: From profile: “cinnamon” skin.
Special Possessions (if any): Harry.
Annoying Origin: America, AKA “the good ol’ US of motherf**king A”.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Harry’s partner. Godfather to Hermione’s kids.
Annoying Special Abilities: Is the best detective in America.
Other Annoying Traits: Beats up characters Meyshi doesn’t like.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
( Meyshi goes sci-fi! )

Date:	2007-08-13 20:56
Subject:	COPS N' ROBBERS, MEYSHI STYLE
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

Story Or Series Title: Blood And Milk
Fandom: The Boy Who Got Turned Into A Pod Person By Meyshi.
Culprit Author's Name: Meyshi Let’s hear it for our FAVOURITE Suethor!
Full Name (plus titles if any): Head Detective Teegan Gylden.
Full Species(es): Stuus Ubiquitus (he’s in ALL Meyshi’s stories).
Hair Color (include adjectives): N/a in this story; author’s profile includes an incredibly detailed description of Teegan, wherein we learn that he has “Skinny dreads to my tail bone”. And an evil twin named Kaagen. And... well, you’ll have to read it.
Eye Color (include adjectives): ”shimmering golden”; “auriferous” (which does not mean what the Suethor thinks it does).
Unusual Markings/Colorations: From profile: “cinnamon” skin.
Special Possessions (if any): Harry.
Annoying Origin: America, AKA “the good ol’ US of motherf**king A”.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Harry’s partner. Godfather to Hermione’s kids.
Annoying Special Abilities: Is the best detective in America.
Other Annoying Traits: Beats up characters Meyshi doesn’t like.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
(  Say hello to Teegan– and a bunch of random OCs with familiar names tacked on. )

Date:	2007-08-13 20:39
Subject:	First Post
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

Greetings, all! I'm creating a duplicate journal here in case Six Apart suspends my account over the Meyshi Affair. I will transfer the sporking of "Blood and Milk" here. Also, look out for further sporkings. I think Meyshi deserves to have every one of her fics worked over multiple times.